Yesterday, I did my driving theory test and surprise, surprise, I failed.
Now, I wasn’t shocked that I failed because I hardly revised at all, not
because I thought I was going to pass straight away but because I’ve been so
busy this week trying to get as much work done as possible before the Easter holidays are over. This meant that
while I was pretty confident on the hazard perception section, there was a hell
of a lot of stuff from the multiple choice section that I didn’t know and so
had to guess. Fortunately, I got 42 correct answers out of 50 which I think is
pretty good for someone who basically started revising the day before, which I
do not recommend by the way. Unfortunately, in order to pass you have to get 43 correct
answers so I failed. By ONE point. This is really annoying because test centres
where you do your driving theory are booked out weeks in advance and so if I
was to re-take my test, it would be during my exams, which is the last thing I
need.
Now while my mom
was driving me back from the test centre, I felt so disappointed with
myself that I actually wanted to burst into tears. It was made worse by the
fact that my mom wouldn’t stop asking me if I was okay which I know she was
only doing to make me feel better but it just didn’t help. I’m the type of
person that when I’m upset, I need to be completely alone. I need the time to
just be sad without people constantly trying to reassure me and that’s exactly
what I did once I got home. It’s kind of my attitude towards dealing with all emotions
and I bet that’s incredibly unhealthy, but that’s just my thing. I’m actually
very sensitive and yet there are many people, even my closest friends, who find
that difficult to hear about me. Mainly because I am often the one who jokes about being 'emotionally neutral' as I like to say, but really that's only around them. When I'm on my own, if I'm feeling sad then you can bet that I'll be crying. And when I cry, I cry HARD. Yesterday was one of those days, and it wasn't just about failing the theory test, but a whole range of other stuff that I won't go into.
Anyway, I
just started thinking about how busy my life is right now and how stressful
it’s going to get in the next few months, and I suddenly started feeling
incredibly overwhelmed. Now it just hit me. Completely out of the blue. And I
started panicking. The whole reason I wanted to learn how to drive was so that
I could drive to school during the exams so I wouldn’t be wasting an hour
walking when I could be revising or something. Now that I failed my theory, I
just felt like I’d wasted my time because I definitely won’t pass my practical
driving test in time. I was just really upset and I still am, I guess. I know
I’m overreacting but you have to understand that I do not cope with failure of
any kind. The pressure that I put on myself is so insane and I know it is, but
I genuinely cannot help it. I work myself up into such a state that I find it
difficult to relax because I’m constantly worrying about everything.
I was talking
to my friend earlier and she was quite surprised by how honest I was because like
I said, I am a closed person. People never see me overwhelmed because I just hide
it. It doesn’t matter how stressed I feel, I always deal with it on my own and
I really shouldn’t. I was thinking about this which is why I wanted to write
this blog post. I’m sort of surprised by how easy all of these words came out
which is probably a bad thing. I should feel this free speaking to my real
friends and family and yet I don’t. I feel more comfortable just writing about
my emotions, when I’m alone, in the privacy of my own room.
It only
really hit me how being overwhelmed is so underestimated as a valid emotion,
especially for teenagers my age. I think we forget how much our lives change in
such a short space of time. I feel like I’ve only just left my high school when
in reality it was a year and a half ago. In just over a month, my exams will be starting and then in the summer, I'll find whether I've got the grades to go to university or not. Everything I’ve worked for comes down to one piece of paper which is HELLA
SCARY. It makes me feel overwhelmed, it really does.
Tayla xx
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